Another Birthday Without You
Everything is “another _______ without Ella” now, of course, but your birthday is just the hardest of them all. I had to find something with your date of birth on it to convince myself you would have been 10 this year. I’ve been really struggling with that and the whole age aspect of recognizing your birthdays and then, just as I came to my computer to write about it, I got a message about an update to the caringbridge page of another little girl lost to DIPG whose mother wrote this today…
The most recent question we have encountered has been, do you think of Natalie as being 10 or her chronological age, which would be 13? I wonder. Brian wonders, and I am absolutely sure that her brothers and sisters, and family and friends wonder. I am starting to realize, as I believe that Brian has, is this. We have stumbled head on into the Great Mystery. The Mystery of passing on……we can feel it, it is palpable, and it happened before our eyes. The honor I feel for being present with her when she came in, and as she left her physical body brings forth such intense and deep feelings, indescribable feelings of love and hope and connectedness. There seems to be no age to the true essence of who we are….only Love.
And then suddenly I am released again from another limitation in the way I think of you now and how my relationship with you will continue. Yet again I get a gift on your birthday. Knowing there is nothing more I will be able to give you is tough, really really tough. I had plans, you see… big plans for you and me – aunt and niece, spiritmom and goddaughter. We were gonna have some big fun and there was a lot I was going to give you, show you, tell you, teach you. In the end, of course, it was and still is you who has done the giving, the showing, the telling, and the teaching. Thank you for all that.
I’m not feeling well, so I don’t have more words right now. But it doesn’t mean my heart is any less full of you than it always is.
From the Starlite Room 