To Ella on the Eve of Her 9th Birthday

Dear Ella,

A year like the last passes quickly and slowly.   Although things were calm for the most part this year, the anger I feel about living without you is easily called up if I allow my mind to wander certain roads.  So I try not to take those exits. It’s been a year of taking things as they come, moving forward, however clumsily or slowly, all the while learning, learning, learning.  Two lessons stand out against the rest now.

The first was more of a realization.  In thinking about how unbelievable it is that you’re not a part of our day to day lives anymore, I was wondering why, after so many months, had I not begun to really believe that you are gone.  Then a voice very clearly told me that it’s because you are not.  And you never will be.  So I’ve let go of trying to process losing you, because there’s so much of you in my heart and in the hearts of everyone that I love, your presence is still a very real and tangible part of my life.

The second lesson came at Christmas.  I tried to prepare myself for whatever the day was to be.  I had no expectations, no preconceptions.  I only wanted to be with my family and be there for them – particularly your mom and dad – in what ever meager way I could.  I take seriously the promise I made to you the last day we were together that I will take care of your mom and dad and be there for them always.  But here’s where the joke was on me.  That day I saw how it truly is your parents who are taking care of me, of all of us who are grieving for you.  As much as they hurt – and I know it’s mammoth iceberg below the tip that the world sees – they continue to give to others.  They share their memories of you, they share pictures and videos, they support the cause of ending brain tumors, they take care of themselves, your brother, their home, and their extended families.  They continue to move forward, without leaving you behind.  They let us know that its ok.  That missing you is hard and real and ok.  I’m only surprised I didn’t expect this, it’s just so exactly who your parents are.

And I’m sure that in no small part they are who they are because of who you were.  The only way to honor the memory of someone like you is to let the light that you gave us shine for all to see.  That’s what your mom and dad are doing and that is what I endeavor to do as well.  There’s a song that always makes me think of you and always reminds me to approach life as you did…dancing all your days.

Thank you Ella girl, for your example and all the love you left behind.  Your light still shines so brightly.

Love, Kirsten

Dancing Daze – The Avett Brothers (click to hear)

I see you dancin’ all your, dancin’ all your, dancin’ all your days
Maybe you can tell me how it is you got that way
Dancin’ all your, dancin’ all your, dancin’ all your days
Come on, come on that’s got to be the way

~ by Kirsten on January 11, 2010.